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I'M BAA...AAACK

6/29/2013

HELLO
"Because I've been missing in action a while
I thought I'd try something different, a trial
See I can't send you money 'cause I'm broke as you know
And I can't send you gifts, no address, be too slow

It seems quite freakish that while I was absent for a spell
BLOG thingie grew in numbers, no new material to ponder, do tell
I thought about you quite often, but had no urge to write
My mind on another planet, a new project, pure delight

But now it's back to work, time to reconnect, to sit down and write
To continue my Journey with you by my side, step by step, is our plight
I've been doing my bit, still writing with a destiny of a different kind
You know my caper, Working Backwards, so I hope you don't mind

I want you with me on this Journey I am so proud to share
I'm so thankful you all are hangin' , when I'm not even there
But remember the trip's a long one, watch me and we will grow
together, we will live life to be happy, in the world of One Mind you know"

- TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz

LOOK at your ME first.....

Didja miss me, dot? No..... Seriously. Didja?
I mean, I missed you. No ..... Reeeaally. I did.
I like talkin' to you. Reeeeally. I do.......
But see I haven't had access to a computer for a week while I've been on my new NEEDSEARCH project........
Mmmm Hmmm........
Wot dot? Oh. Well it's a secret. If I told you I'd have to put a contract on you. It's that biiiiiig. Huuuuuge, in fact. And it's cooool. Soooo coooool. Sorta stuff that you know I've been working on for a while. Xcept, now I've got some help. So I'm writing a sorta script. Coooool. Big coooool. Creative. Very. Huuuuge in fact. Mmmm Hmmm.... OhK, moving right along......

... if you don't like your ME......

It's fuunneee how things happen in your life, no? I mean I've talked about 'meaningful co-incidences', termed Synchronicity by Jung, in many previous BLOG thingies. Remember dot? OhK.
Well I am learning lots and lots more about Synchronicity as I move along the path of big life travel. Sometimes when you are not ready or watching for it you either dismiss it as some freaky 'out-there' EXPERIENCE, or some educated in the world of psycho babble may pick up on it being DEJAVU, something which you have previously 'seen' as a vision in your PAST, coming alive in front of you. But it's not JUST THAT. It's more. And it does get freaky the more you are AWARE. It's MIND GAMES time. I've mentioned it many times before. It goes like this..........

Just let it TAKE you.....

Your MIND is my MIND. My MIND is our MIND. We all share the same MIND. ONE MIND. This one mind is our very soul, our consciousness, the provider of our very BEING, the host of our THOUGHTS. We CHOOSE our thoughts, right or wrong. It's where we sometimes begin to get into trouble. It's where our lives can begin to go NUTS, just like in my song of the same name. BAAAAD CHOICES. Simple when you think about it.......... So
Somebody, like ME for instance, decides to stop making BAAAD CHOICES. OhK. Cooool. Good decision TriggerDot. ME decides to use however many days he has left in his life, to maximize his potential. ME decides to pick up on some GOOD THOUGHTS coming from his ??????????????
Cooool. You got it. His ME MIND. Of course his ME MIND is just a part of our ONE MIND. Pretty straight forward sooooo far, huh? OhK.....
ME decides to CHANGE. Everything. Totally RE-INVENT. Not easy. Very hard in fact. But he stays on the train for the entirety. He can't get off. ME won't get off no matter what......... Nup. Emotional wreckage just doesn't enter into the equation of life anymore. ME has to let ONE MIND take him.
Mmmm Hmmm .......... ALL THE WAY ........
And it's where 'SYNCHRONICITY' comes in. For it is indeed where CO-INCIDENCES become MEANINGFUL and then DIRECT your ME.........
they tell your ME what to do. But you have to BE AWARE of them. And you have to LET THEM DIRECT YOU. It is part of your Journey. IT IS A PART OF YOUR FAITH. Your BELIEF in your ME.
It's what is happening to ME right now. I'm letting my meaningful co-incidences GUIDE my ME. Take my ME.
Where to?
Pretty obvious reeeeally. To where I was always going........

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WHICH CRAFT ?

6/23/2013

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NUTS
"Well I've had a lotta problems
I lost my job at Eddy Thompsons
My wife got up and left me
Took the kids and re-married
The landlord he evicted me I couldn't pay the rent
And now I'm living in the bush and sleeping in a tent

Dejected sad and lonely
I was always sick and hungry
I needed some attention
Or a magic intervention
Shakin' and hallucinatin', frothin' at the mouth
Cryin' sweatin' bleedin with bad rashes way down south

And so I went to see the doctor
She said Trigger wotcha here for
I told her all my dramas
She said get into these pyjamas
She did some tests and told me I had schizophrenia
Bad depression Parkinsons with some dementia............"

                -    First part of my song 'Nuts'
                    TriggerDot
                    aka Brendan Lauritz

......the pensive pen of THOUGHT.....

Now that I have self-proclaimed my status as an artist, I must try to pinpoint the particular craft I want to specialize in.
I mean "writer" is a bit of a broad definition. The obvious question to anybody that may be interested is 'What do you write?'. And the answer is I don't know what the answer is. There are so many categories. Fact, fiction, biography, autobiography, books, novels, kids books, cookbooks, sci-fi, educational and onanonanonon.....
Then there's the poetry, screenplays, BLOG thingies, song lyrics and then just the plain words that matter to ME......
So what craft within the Arts am I aspiring to be? Coooool, nice easy one to begin with, huh?
Obviously 'WRITING'
And which craft within the 'WRITING' genre of the 'ARTS' category am I interested in?
Hmmm......, getting harder already.........

Putting LIFE into the music....

You can see upstairs that for a change I have reproduced a few bars of lyrics from my song "Nuts". I must admit I really enjoy writing the lyrics (and music) for songs.
Like books and poems, songs need to have a short meaningful story to keep people's interest. But with songs you get an extra bonus in the 'I want to create' stakes because you get the adrenalin pumping when you create good music to accompany the song.
When it gets down to it all forms of writing require a STORY of some description. I have started to write a screenplay for a film. Now that is much harder and requires a lot more time because you are trying to adapt a STORY to a visual interpretation. A much more challenging process that requires continual access to your MIND and your THOUGHT channel but I can only imagine the euphoria when you finally complete the project in the form of a film or play. Keep watching......

Magazine or LIFE, the You is ME....

Of course, then there is BLOG thingie. Somebody asked me why I 'waste' soooo much time blogging.
Hmmm..........
Weeeell truth be known I reeeeally enjoy that craft, that type of writing. It is spontaneous and thought provoking. It has an interested audience awaiting your work and it's a lot of fun, which I need right now. It's also challenging watching the numbers grow from nothing to viral, which is where it is heading, one BLOG thingie at a time. It also allows me to stay current with my thoughts and to try different styles of writing. But as I have stated in my book and in the media, this Journey I am on is all about putting myself in a position to take advantage of OPPORTUNITIES when they arise. And they will. BLOG thingie is a good way to advertise myself to a growing audience. After all ME is my product.
Then there are the books. When I published my first book I didn't mean to write it. I just kept taking notes in my exercise books that I could refer back to if and when I needed to. As it turned out what I had was a good STORY, good enough to get the number one story (for the day) on news.com and a big segment on television, along with prime time radio interviews and, magazine coverage and other media interest. Like building a new house, I had laid the foundation for a well built structure..........

........A STORY........

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MEANINGFUL CO-INCIDENCE

6/23/2013

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SYNCHRONICITY
I can't understand these strange happenings in my life
One after the other they come, I'm blind sided, no sight
Too many for speculation, most peculiar indeed
The cause of my anxiety, so regular they breed

Paranoia is lurking I must control my fearful trend
to make me unsettled, I'll surely go round the bend
But this mystery, this series of illogical events
Is proving to be traumatic, there's no common sense

I call to my consciousness please relieve me of this stress
This multiplicity of weird mind games is depressing at best
In desperation I seek an answer, hit the books, surf the net
And finally some explanations, no more cause for me to sweat

The mystical interpretation for these uninvited guests
Is that they come when you call them, unintentionally they test
Simply known as Meaningful Co-incidences they are a part of our mind
Like a star sent to guide us, a signpost for direction of a spiritual kind

These meaningful co-incidences are thoughts, not simply plucked from the air
They are messages from your sub-conscious, a precious calling, so be aware
Synchronicity they call it, co-incidence designed to make you THINK,
So extraordinary, so unexpected, accept with grace this mystical LINK."

- TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz

...Dejavu?....Nup......Synchronicity....

Like me, I'm sure you have those WOW moments where you have some sort of vision pop out of nowhere. It's pretty strange because it is related to something you have been doing or thinking about lately.
But the strange thing is that nobody could have known anything about what you have just 'seen' or heard or thought about. Get's pretty freaky sometimes, hey dot?
A lot of people have this experience called Dejavu which is seeing something from some time ago, which has just happened in front of your very wide opened eyes. Most people have a giggle and dismiss it as a bit 'weird', just like I used to do. But then I began learning about ME, my inner self. And I found out a whoooole lotta funny weird stuff. But when you begin searching for ME you begin to THINK differently. For instance it isn't 'weird stuff'. It is a message you should always be aware of. It is a gift called the PRESENT as I have mentioned in BLOG thingie recently. Replace 'funny weird stuff' with 'meaningful co-incidence' and then THINK it through. Eventually you will "grok it" (get it). ........

.... find your ME ..... and CHOOSE well..

As our objective Western Civilization tries to make sense of the subjective culture and thinking of gone by eras of our Eastern sages and more educated Eastern mystics, the area of meaningful co-incidences (termed Synchronicity by Carl Jung) is one of the directional signposts that we need to take very seriously. In my case there sooooo many instances of meaningful co-incidences that have happened since I found Mister SomeOne Out-There. Hmmm........ does that make it sheer co-incidence or is there some sort of 'hidden' meaning within those co-incidences? Is it my past in the form of previous lives trying to tell me something? Is it karma calling to make me aware, sending me messages?
Weeeeell, it really gets down to what you CHOOSE to BELIEVE which, once again, gets down to making the right CHOICES when you CHOOSE the THOUGHTS generated by your MIND. But the most important aspect of Synchronicity is simply to be AWARE. So.........
If you receive some sort of telepathic 'message' and you smile, put it down to dejavu, and move on with life because it is only a 'dream' and hasn't manifested, then coooool, that's your choice.......

... WOW.... just like the other one.....

But if you still are having trouble working out the 25th letter of the alphabet and the meaning of life, and if our brilliant Western scientists are not providing the 'facts' needed to prove your existence and the answers to those "WHY" questions, then maybe it's time to THINK a little more about what our Eastern mystics have been telling us for sooooo long. Maybe it's time to open your wide shut eyes and be more AWARE of our subjective, non-linear explanations for the unanswerable questions. And maybe it's time to give our 'Meaningful Co-incidences' a little more credibility in the 'how' and 'why' baskets of our 'life picnics'.
See I'm a tad skeptical that our scientists are going to be able to come up with the"PROOF" of life and answers to our existential dilemma. But I'm pretty sure that you will continue receiving these strange meaningful co-incidences about anything and everything. And because of my own EXPERIENCES while on my continuing life 'Journey' I am also pretty sure that there is a meaning in these co-incidences, particularly if they are happening more and more in your MIND. So CHOOSE to ignore them if you will, or CHOOSE to THINK about them now that you are AWARE. CHOOSE subjective over objective, non-linear thoughts over linear thoughts. PUT MEANING back into your life because of your awareness.

QUESTION YOUR THOUGHTS.........

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STONED

6/19/2013

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IF STONES HAD TONGUES
"If stones should find a tongue
What would they say to me?
Would they deliver sermons
about tranquility?
I think that being tranquil
is more than being still,
And so I think their silence
is not of their free will.
Although stones seem to stay
as in a solemn trance,
I understand their atoms
Perpetually dance.
And so if stones had tongues
I would not think it strange
if they gave learned lectures
About the joys of change"

- James Dillet Freeman
my favorite writer

this stone has plenty of stories....

I just love his writing. In this one he brings stones to life. In fact he brings words to life.
Are stones alive? Well most would think not but Mister Freeman suggests that stones have 'atoms that perpetually dance'. I would guess there is an inference that stones may have some form of life because he thinks 'tranquil' is more than being 'still'. Getting into the mind of the artist is probably the key to truly KNOWING the artist's work(s). The painting, the picture, the photo, the poem, the sculpture, the song....... each one is telling A STORY. It's like the artist is playing a game of 'hide and seek'. The artist is hiding the MEANING within the work and our job is to 'seek' out that meaning. When this happens then we will truly appreciate the work.
Or so the story goes.............

.....they go together well, huh?

As I told you I went to a Monet exhibition a couple of weeks ago. I have never even thought of going to one. I didn't think I was into that scene.
...........And I wasn't.......
........ But ME was.........
This whole Journey shebang is about change, right? In fact it is about my re-invention of ME. My NEED to CREATE. So I am going about creating...... a STORY...... Backwards Hmmm........
(have the nutter catchers on standby!!). Yikes! So....
It just so happens that the new ME is a writer, weeeell of sorts let's say.
Now that supposedly throws me into the educational genre of "The Arts". Mmmm Hmmm.............. OhK
So this helps explain a few thingies (hallelujah brother!).
Firstly, the nutty behavior. I think you will agree that most artists are a tad aaarrgghhmm ....... wot you say .......aaarrgghhmm........ eccentric. Yep, that's ME.
Secondly, WEEE artists like to create in an environment of reverie (alone, peace, calm, nutsvilly). Well after more than three years living in the bush and sleeping in a tent I'd have to check that box, wouldn't ya think dot? OhK
Thirdly, WEEE artists have trouble fitting in with society and have lots and lots of weird stuff going through our heads before we even get to do anything, like create, for instance. So that makes MEEE a WEEE....... BUT.....
The reeeally cooool thing is that I can call myself a writer, or even go that next step and self-proclaim myself AN ARTIST, with authenticity and weird behavior to back it up.......

...artists were always a bit cheeky....

But contrary to popular opinion artists don't have to be drunken, high, off their face misfits to fit into the 'artist' category. Now I'll admit there have been a few known to be a tad eccentric as I said, like aaarrgghhmm ...... most of them.
But I'm not one of the most. OMG I have enough trouble getting ME to BE without getting stoned and the like ......... unless, of course, the term "stoned" takes on a different meaning for WEEE artists. Rather than the paint splashing, guitar smashing 'artists' weee have come to know and love the new "STONED" artist is the one so aptly described in the little ditty above from Mister Freeman.
Indeed the new artist is the atom dancing, tongue talkin', tranquil sorta dude that likes Monet and talks (well I think you can finish _ _it!)

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THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR

6/18/2013

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MYSTICAL LOVE
"For such a long time now I have ridden the wave
The passion, the pain, the predicament that craves
the enlightenment of a soul so weary from the Journey
So look down on me Oh Beloved Creator, send me a sign
not to be forgotten, a message of love I need you to define

It is this wondrous mystery of life that dictates
my commitment to see further than the giants before me
and more clearly than the perception of vision you design
And so I ask, I implore you, give to me that which can only be given
through a mind so powerful, a soul so pure, a love

I seek not the time of my life, a gift so precious, but limited in scope
I need more to awaken the mystery of the blessed inside
For this Journey must end soon and I crave to be with you
and for my spirit to rise in celebration of an eternity in love
I now await guidance to merge the one soul and one mind
To create the happiness through the consciousness of a mystical kind

This Journey, not only me, transcends a path of tranquility
One step forward, closer to a destination unclear but with a knowledge
cemented in the trust and belief of an almighty power,
an eternal shrine of mystical reverence and the opportunity
to move forward and find the one source to free me from the shackles of time
and become one with my destiny and an eternity divine."

- TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz

... a mystical Journey.... maybe ??

I am seriously starting to ask questions of myself. What is making me write stuff like this. Last night I was ready for a bit of sleepy nigh nigh. I was actually about to jump in the sack when I was drawn to the computer for some unknown reason. I turned it on and began reading my last few BLOG thingies, something I rarely do. Bit of a giggle, a smile or two, even a critical sigh at some of my ramblings, but overall I thought it was all pretty coooool. But then, as if on automatic pilot, I clicked on "NEW POST" and began writing the verse above. It took about 15 - 20 minutes I guess. Then I saved it as a draft and continued on my mission to knock up some z's (sleep!).
I woke up this morning, had a cuppa and a bit of brekkie and then gave the computer a cuddle to say 'Good Morning'. After I checked the news and what not, I brought up BLOG thingie. I had even forgotten the verse from the night before but that's no surprise for me. I seem to forget my recent writing quite often. Anyway I remembered when I saw there was a draft and my immediate thought was 'woooohoooo', less writing to be done today.......

.... r-r-r-ruff........ (means ME!)

Then I read what I had written the night before. It was as if I had never seen it. Aha. Mmm Hmm. Goood. Oh nice. WOW. That is so cooool.......
Then I read it again, and again. Then I got scaaaared. Yep. See there's these smart dudes I read, you know the ones, Socrates, Aristotle, even James Freeman, then Pluto (that's me!). No not Plato. I think more along the lines of Pluto, sorta out of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck era-ish. I suppose because of my rock bottom experiences I am still trying to come to terms with the fact I may indeed have a spark of intelligence amongst the fireworks in my head. So writing stuff like my poem above is giving myself some credibility within the constraints of my own mind. But I am still puzzled a tad. How can I write such emotional prose? Where does it come from? Hmmm....
Well if I don't know, then who the hell does? Hmmmm.....
I think the answer is in that question. See it goes like this. Hell is the place I have been living in for the last few years. In fact I talked about it in my book's feature poem, Mister SomeOne Out-There, remember dot? OhK.....

... a magical mystery tour?...maybe.....

This is my critical analysis of the person I have been trying to find. His name is ME....
ME doesn't like Hell. Not one little bit. Not because it's hot, because it's not. ME doesn't like Hell because it is not a part of who ME is. Hell is simply an EXPERIENCE, a lesson to be LEARNED. So ME has learned a whole lotta lessons from Hell. ME doesn't want all the other dots to experience those lessons from Hell. So ME wants to write about it in a way that will make people sit up and take notice. One of those ways is poetry. Another way is BLOG thingie. Another way is lyrics to music/songs. So I think that's what ME is doing. I think?........
But somewhere in all of this madness and mayhem there appears to be something or somebody giving ME a bit of a helping hand because ME didn't know that he could write stuff like the stuff above. I think ME knows the name of the helping hand...........

....... FEELING........

(.......I think ?)

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THE DEEPS

6/17/2013

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BY THE SEA
"When I look at the sea,
there well Sometimes into my mind
Deep thoughts too dear to tell
In words too hard to find
I stand on the shore and stare,
But the deeps that are the sea
Speak not of deeps out there,
But of the deeps in me.
Then the sea may break on my ear
And tumble and toss in my eyes
But the deeps I see and hear
Did not on this shore rise."

- James Dillet Freeman, Poet Laureate, 1912-2003

...... now cut that out......

James Dillet Freeman was my favorite writer. An internationally acclaimed poet, writer and speaker, his works have been read by hundreds of millions of people. In fact he shares a privilege of having two of his most famous poems taken to the moon and left there on microfilm for prosperity.
I didn't know of him when I became homeless and was sleeping on the beach but I knew what he was about when I later read his work. Because I had a lot to think about I used to sit for hours looking out to sea, listening to the thunderous roar of the surf. And I would wonder at the creation. I would wonder at it's power. And I would wonder about life. Then often tears would roll down my cheeks but I wasn't crying. That happened a few times. I obviously just thought I was sad and I had every right to be sad, depressed even. But it wasn't until many months later that I understood my true feelings from way back then. Again the exercise books have jolted my memory.
In fact it was when I read a poem by James Dillet Freeman that the tears became meaningful. I was fortunate to meet a lady that gave me a copy of his most famous poem "I Am There". I was taken by the power of his work and so I researched him. I came across 'By The Sea', along with many other works.

.... the deeps .... to become one with..

The beach means a lot to me. It is where I meditate. It's where I walk and jog. It's where I pray. That is because of it's magnificence, with an aura like nothing I have experienced before. It has an almighty presence. It talks to me. And I listen.
I become one with it. It becomes one with me.
So when I was lead to his poem 'By The Sea' I understood. To write something as beautiful as that, he not only had to have experienced the feelings inside his words but he had to reach into his SOUL to paint that picture. And when you are able to interpret the feeling, the raw emotion of his soul, it makes you shiver with the realization that the two of you have CONNECTED, that somebody else has been on the same ride. Tears flow without crying. It really is an 'AHA' moment in life that makes you give thanks for your gift.
To speak of 'the deeps' of the ocean and explain the vision in terms of his own 'deeps' means that he has become one with his creation. He had a sense of greatness in what he was admiring but he knew that his own 'deeps' were of a much higher source than the limited vision of his eyes. He is explaining that he could 'SEE' his own 'deeps' just as I knew I could see mine at the time, without knowing it. But to be able to express his raw emotion with such a precious beauty is a gift only a man of his ability could do. With most of his works he had his way with words.

.... go see it if you can......

Recently I went to a very rare "Monet" exhibition. I have never really tried to paint and have no real appreciation of great works of art. But here I was at the exhibition not just admiring his 'water lily' collection, along with other fine works, but I was spending a lot of time trying to get a' feeling of his feeling', if you get the drift. I was trying to 'get inside' his work. I was trying to get inside his MIND. Mmmm Hmmm.....
And I know why I am doing that. Not because I am suffering delusions of grandeur that I understand great works of art. Uh uh. Nup. The reason is because I am beginning to finally get inside MY OWN MIND. For me to be able to understand the works of others I need to get inside my own MIND in order that I can become one with another. As Mister Freeman has said 'the deeps that are the sea, speak not of deeps out there, but of the.......

DEEPS IN ME.........

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THE BODY THAT BE

6/16/2013

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BODY PARTS
"It's a funny thing this sack I'm in
There's a heap of bones they call a skeleton
Which looks pretty weird without the body trims
If you take a quick peek in the mirror of sin
You won't look too flash without a whole heap of skin

We cover the bones with arms and legs we call limbs
Throw in a torso, two hands and two feet to begin
And then the hands need some fingers with a thumb
to complete, to give you some feeling, like itching the feet
Of course some toes are required, both little and big
to help keep your balance and to play five little pigs

This liquid called blood you can pour in from the neck
and throw in the pump station named a heart I suspect
Some intestines, a kidney, liver and stuff
and we're just about ready to be human enough
No I haven't forgotten the part called a head
Pretty obvious without one we'd surely be dead

But before the head goes on I must pretty it up
Two nice ears, two blue eyes, a nose
A mouth to shout, and a bit of hair I suppose
So there, it's complete, a human body we have
Pretty good looking, but somethings missing, this human looks sad
Oh no wonder, the brain thing I left out, you must think I'm quite mad

OK that's all now fixed, but human still doesn't look right
I can't figure out what it is, it doesn't seem very bright
But then a message came to me from somewhere above
The most important bits of a human are the things to build love
So I searched and I found the parts all of which you can't see
The mind, consciousness and soul, will make all humans BE"
- TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz

The search for the soul and beauty within....

heee heee heee. I decided to make up a funny poem while watchin' the footy. Hmmmm........
Maybe I reeeeeally am going insane. Maybe the pressure and the Journey are taking their toll. Maybe I should talk to a nutter counsellor. Hmmmm........
Naaaar. I just have these moments. I'll be back to normal before you can say "You nuts Trigger".
The Journey she continues. It can't stop. It doesn't know how to. I've configured it that way. One STEP, two STEP, three STEP. Just a very big Journey that's all. And then as I move forward I find new stuff that I want to do which will extend the TIME of the Journey. And that's OK because it will make the finished product much better-ererer. All cooool. Remember I have already made it to my Destin-ee and I have worked backwards from there. The STEPS forward move me closer to completing. But because I have already made it to Destin-ee, the Journey must complete. There is no other way. I KNOW.........

... a true reflection......

Life Journeys are very testing in that they don't wait for you. TIME just keeps on tick, tick, ticking. We cannot control TIME and so we must be diligent in other areas to make sure we finish off what we started. We must be resilient. No matter what obstacles we come across we must be soooooo determined, soooooo focused on reaching our Destin-ee. SELF-BELIEF is our greatest ally so we must be armored with that shield at ALL TIMES. If we don't have the total BELIEF we will be defeated by the NEGOBS, with OBStacles confronting us continually. If our BELIEF is down the NEGativity will overcome. Kill the trip. Kill the dream. Break our spirit. The reason for the Journey will be wasted BUT..........
If we commit 110% to completing the task, if we give ourselves entirely to the ingredients of VIPER POISON, not only are you a better chance to make it to the end, but you MUST make it to the end. Your DREAM WILL COME TRUE.

... a human body with soul....

I have always had a strategy to move forward. It will take a little more TIME than I would have liked but the extra preparation will prove worthwhile to my end product. My ME will simply BE. In fact it will provide me with the answer to my question I asked "Can I Matter?". But the point is this. My Journey is about re-inventing myself, doing what I want to do in the very precious little time I have left on this Earth, my 4000 days if I should be so lucky, lucky, lucky (thanks Kylie!). I know that my "WANT" is writing, just like I am doing now. Writing books, BLOG thingies, websites, scripts, screenplays and songs. I am now a looooong way into my trip. It's been frustrating. It's been challenging. It's been painful. But I am doing what I like and I am building the last stages to complete. The stuff I have I know is good and I will get done what I have intended all along. But those qualities I mentioned earlier, the BELIEF, the RESILIENCE, and all of the ingredients in VIPER POISON....... If you don't have them GET THEM. You don't have to pay for them and your life can be sooooo much more than even you could ever imagine. How many days do you have left ???.......

......Tick Tick Tick ..............

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CAN I MATTER?

6/13/2013

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"Is it possible to overcome my devastation and start life all over again?"
"Is it possible to completely re-invent myself and pursue my dreams?"
"Can I leave the past behind me and create a new future?"
"Can I matter?"

"We are born
We die
In between
Is the reason why"

- Extract page 54 Exercise Book 1
TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz

Pretty dramatic stuff, huh? I'm finding it fascinating to read my exercise books because it is bringing back the feelings I was going through at the time. This was the first of my books so it was a pretty baaaad time. The nightmare had only just begun. I would say I had probably just started learning how to survive with my first little two man tent, probably just discovered the soup kitchens. It was a pretty yukky feeling inside at the time. Times like that you never forget.
But what I find fascinating looking back is THE WAY I was THINKING already. Those four questions........ WOW! Even I'm proud of myself because you can see I was questioning my spirit, my very SOUL, about my ABILITY to get through this stuff. My THINKING was very clear under extreme duress. I was questioning ME, my INNER SELF, later to become my Mister SomeOne Out-There. I could see what was happening with no jobs, no car, no accommodation, no money and onanonanon....... BUT....

.... FIND THE REASON WHY.....

I KNEW what I was going to do, even at that early stage. I KNEW I had to re-invent my very existence. I KNEW I could do it because of my SELF-BELIEF. I just didn't know how hard this re-invention would be. But at least I KNEW.
That last question to myself "Can I matter?". That question is a very big WOW of which I am soooo proud looking back. For even though I was thinking from under the bottom of my rock, I was already using the EXPERIENCE to DEFINE the rest of my life. I was saying to myself "You get yourself out of this mess and not only comeback BUT 'make a difference' when you do. And you know what dot? I haven't let myself down. My Journey has been long. My Journey has been difficult. BUT I HAVE LEARNED. I HAVE RE-INVENTED. And.....
I WILL MATTER........

The STEPS of LIFE .......

Then there is that little poem. Only a few words but what great meaning. Those of you who have been reading me for a while will have seen the poem before. I have quoted it a few times because of it's simplicity, because of it's meaning, because of it's POWER. It makes you THINK. We know the first two lines are fact; we ARE born and we WILL die. But the next bit is POWERFUL "in between is the reason why". Oh yeah. If you read that again and again and then question yourself with WHAT is the reason why, then I am a very happy little TriggerDot because it may be a turning point in your life. See, that very question "WHAT is the reason why?" has to be answered by your ME, your inner self, your MSOT. And if after a lot of SOUL SEARCHING you can find the answer to that WHAT, you will find an answer to the question I asked myself all that time ago...........

CAN I MATTER ?

Hmmmm..........

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MY FUTURE PAST

6/12/2013

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TO ME
"Slowly you unveil the strings of my heart
and use them to wrap up my soul
Now left with a void, nothingness within
No purpose, no longer a whole

I don't understand, you promised
to take my hand and share the Journey with me
It has only just begun and yet so suddenly you desert
the sinking ship, it hurts so much, oh how I wanted it to be

There must be an answer, a reason for the pain
My soul in the dark, I cannot see
No longer stepping forward, guided by your hand
I feel naked, deserted, alone again, a mystery TO ME"

- TriggerDot
- aka Brendan Lauritz

..... lotsa words...... lotsa stories.....

I don't wanna sound like a drama queen but I have been flicking through my exercise books, sorta reminiscing as my emotions are having a field trip with my mind right now. Anyway on page 53 of book 2 (yep I numbered them all about six months ago!) I found this poem I wrote "TO ME". Must be 3 years ago or more I guess. Now at the time I remember how I was feeling. I was sad. It happens a lot from under the bottom of a rock. There's a story behind the poem, as there always is. It's why I am doing what I am doing. A whole lotta stories under one big story being told backwards. I can't help shedding a tear or two when I read my feelings past. It's like looking at some really old photos of my mum, dad and family. It pulls at my heart strings, just like it did in my little poem back then. But whether it is old photos or old stories there is one thing I have to understand, and that is that the pictures are in my past. I cannot bring anybody in the pictures back to life but I can try and remember. Same with the stories in my exercise books. I cannot change anything I wrote about, but I can smile, or cry (I do both!), and remember.

A kiss from a rose.....

In my book I talk about the FUTURE PAST. This is an exact extract from page 55 of exercise book 1:
"I mentioned in my book about my made up term THE FUTURE PAST. It is well worth re-hashing my thoughts on this important life interpretation. Life is a finite entity. In fact it is a piece of TIME with a specific beginning and end.
As we live each second, breathe each breath, and pump each heartbeat, our present is only a freeze frame in our LIFE of TIME. For as we travel along our road each precious second, breath and heartbeat becomes our past. Without being negative or over dramatic, each of these freeze frames in TIME becomes a memory, and as we continue along the path, a distant memory. Further from our beginning and closer to our end. My purpose in sharing these my personal thoughts, is simply to create an impact on the importance of each freeze frame within our sacred lives."
So........

MY FUTURE..... MY PAST.... ????

As I laugh and cry my way through my 8 exercise books, the diary of a poor part of my life, I can look back at my PAST which at the time was my PRESENT looking into my future. But it also reminds me that I cannot CONTROL anything NOW because it is GONE. But what I do have is the documented memories, or more appropriately EXPERIENCES, whether they be good or bad. But what they now are is EXPERIENCES that can define my FUTURE because now the experiences have become LESSONS.
I think it was Eleanor Roosevelt (First Lady USA) who said "Yesterday is history, Tomorrow a mystery, and Today is a gift. That's why we call it The Present"
Well as you all take a trip down memory lane, for whatever reason, laugh, smile and LEARN so that your FUTURE PAST defines THE GIFT..........

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A WINNING BELIEF

6/11/2013

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GRIEF BELIEF
"The chill wind makes me feel the discomfort of a life not worth living
A dampness creates an odor that seems to be burning my lungs
Still darkness lights up the abyss of my wretched existence
And yet I see with eyes wide shut, the reason for my need to become

My head aches from the grief that is torturing my soul
And yet I know it's not my head but my consciousness I control
This will to meaning, it drives the tears of loneliness, my expression of guilt
But is there something or somebody to help me, to live life to the hilt

And so I fight my own feelings, I search my vision, that calmness within
The source will give me the energy to fight this negativity, a force so evil
but still I know that my mind will offer the thoughts of redemption, to choose
to beat the loss I am feeling causing the grief , to accept this bitter pill

These choices of the mind are mine, to rid the emptiness of my being
and to crush the dampness and darkness within, so I must choose
my journey forward, my mission, to choose life and the time I have been gifted
For I have adopted a yearning for completeness within"

- TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz

......the dark angel of GRIEF.......

My Journey began more than 5 years ago when the ship started sinking and I started to do some real thinking (give me a dime and I'll spin you a rhyme!). But my real LIFE Journey began around three and a half years ago when I became homeless. All alone. BY CHOICE.
It is a lifetime ago. And it has changed me. Lots of stuff has happened. When you are going through grief, especially that caused by your own stupidity, you tend to punish yourself more, to beat yourself up because you deserve it, or so I thought. But living in a tent creates a whole lotta obstacles apart from the reason you ended up there. A lot of hardship is a direct consequence.
During this time I made some pretty big decisions. One RIGHT CHOICE I made was to completely re-invent myself. To do what I wanted to do with the remainder of my wretched life. The first part of that process was to accept my fate. To accept my living conditions for what they were. And so I did. Then I decided to do something weeeelll...... let's just say a bit radical. I would tell my story of my future backwards. It's when the THINKING reeeeeally began. It's when I came to take on board something that I would use to full advantage. It's called BELIEF, to be more precise SELF-BELIEF. But as I stated, it was RADICAL and it went something like this.........

........ lookin' into my future........

"No phone, no light, no motor car. Not a single luxury. Like Robinson Caruso (?), it's primitive as can be....... (Gilligan's Island theme song!)
I couldn't find anybody to show me how to get out of my rock bottom so I decided to CREATE MY OWN STORY. Yep, right from under that rock. And the story is about going from nothing to number one. So any good starting point for any good STORY is obviously any good book. So I wrote a book about something I haven't done yet. Hmmmm..... a bit nutty I guess for a homeless man. But the nutty got nuttier!
Being a first time writer and selling a stack of books is pretty hard. Probably would have had more chance walking to Heaven and back! But I had used my ready made up strategy of NEEDSEARCH to work out what I was capable of.
So I KNEW.....
Since that life changing decision I have continuously Worked Backwards by STEPping forward ever so slowly. Putting myself in a position where I can take advantage of OPPORTUNITIES as they present themselves. I am therefore in effect, CREATING the opportunities...... backwards. In fact I am creating my future backwards along with my story. A book is a pretty coooool thingie, especially when you write it about stuff that hasn't happened yet. Hmmmm.......
But then what good is a book if nobody knows it's there and you don't have a cent to market with all of the publisher packages (of tens of thousands of dollars!). Have BELIEF in your story. Create your own exposure. Huh????
Mmmm Hmmm.......
You nuts Trigger!!!!!
Hmmmm..... maybe.
Anyway you know the other stuff. The news.com number one story. The ACA interview during the Olympics, the magazine articles and radio (drivetime) interviews.
You still nuts Trigger!!!!!!
Hmmmm...... maybe
But then I decided to build a website and BLOG thingie so I could communicate with y'all on a regular basis. Trying to build the exposure I need. And that is working. Numbers are growing which is nice. But I need it to go viral and that will soon happen.......

....... NUTS anybody????......

The other day I got all of my exercise books out looking for some 'stuff'. There are 8 exercise books full of my THOUGHTS over three years or so. Trust me when I tell you it is riveting content. A story in itself.
And I smiled.
Because I knew.
See it's like this. I have written down in the exercise books everything I was going to do to create my story BACKWARDS. I also invited y'all to come on my Journey. That invitation is also in my book. And y'all being nice little dots have accepted my invitation. That is soooooo cooooool. But as I have been writing and spending a whole lotta time on BLOG thingie I have been building a loyal audience, I have been getting better-ererer at writing (weeeell I think anyway!), I have been building the story and I am actually enjoying work for the first time in my life. But more than anything I am pleased to tell you that I am CREATING OPPORTUNITIES for myself. It was always going to be a Big Gig, a long trip. I knew it from the start. But I have never wavered. I KNOW what I can do. My BELIEF in myself cannot be faulted. It's probably the biggest belief ever in the history of BELIEF...... Or so I think! But I have told y'all soooo many times what the next STEP in my insanity is.
You still nuts Trigger!!!!!!!!
Hmmmmmm........... Maybe, probably, definitely........
All you have to do is watch.
It is what it is, huh? But BELIEVE me, it 'ain't no fairytale!
Good story, though. The story of .........

GRIEF to BELIEF

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I'M BAA...AAACK

WHICH CRAFT ?

MEANINGFUL CO-INCIDENCE

STONED

THE MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR

THE DEEPS

THE BODY THAT BE

CAN I MATTER?

MY FUTURE PAST

A WINNING BELIEF

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