Weeellll, look at how big you get in 30 or so years time. As you can see I am no longer a tadpole, embryo, foetus, bubba or big kid. And as you might have also noticed 30 years has made me age somewhat. No cause for alarm though because I've been using some of that new wrinkle filler cream so hopefully it will do the job!
But in all seriousness the reason I have 'plussed' 30 years is to make a bit of a point. See, let's say I'm 40 years old. Nice even number, no? In fact 40 is around about half the average age of weee human beings. Because of our healthier lifestyles and significant medical breakthroughs the average age has shot up dramatically over the last couple of decades. But let's analyze this a little more. Say that I am 40, half dead or half alive, which ever you prefer, or whether you are a pessimist or an optimist. So if I am lucky enough to make it to the ripe old age of 80 then this is what I have to look forward to:
                                                400 million breaths
                                                1.2  billion seconds
                                                1.5 billion heartbeats

So to begin with you should check your pulse and if you can't feel anything, panic quick! If everything seems to be crankin then panic quick! Huh? I'm nuts? Yep, probably right. But you see when I showed you all of the earlier stuff with tadpole races, and embryos and stuff, we had a whole lot of this LIFE stuff left. But now.....Hmmmmm...
We are well into the second part of our work lives. We have probably got at least teenage kids of our own, and our mortgage debt is still a very big mortgage debt. Oh well, that's NORMAL, no? Everybody else does the same thing and, well, we've still got heaps of time to pay the mortgage off, own the house, cuddle a couple of grandkids, and then......and then......and then......aaaarhm.......
                                                                               DIE !
                    Oh owe.............

             Tomorrow :         THE POINT    (Don't miss it!)                  

Well I'm now one BIIIIG Bubba. In fact I'm not a Bubba anymore. I'm nearly 5 years old. Yep, just about an adult.
Things have picked up in the last few years.
My Maaarm (who won't let me call her Oink anymore, but I do just to get her mad!), ya know, Dianne TaKnow, well we have a new house, with a new Stepdad or whatever you call the new male arrival in her life. Mum doesn't see Pip as much at home anymore thank goodness, although I think they still go for coffee every day and talk the same crap they've been talkin' their whole lives.
But now that I'm really old I have a lot more responsibility, and I take her shopping and hold her hand all the time because, weeeell, she's pretty dumb and she gets lost lots of times. She also likes to hold hands with me because it makes her feel safe. You know, like she knows that nobody is gunna belt her when she's got such a big guys hand to hold. You know all that instacurity the Mum's go through. She's really bad at hand holding though, especially in shopping centres and places like that.....

                                            CAST OF CHARACTERS

                        Oink                                Well I think it suits her!
BigKid                            Bubba all growed up

SCENE

Peak hour shopping at one of the biggest Shopping joints in the Galaxy, Westerfields. Oink's always in a hurry when we go shopping, and she's reeeeeeally embarassing to be with. She keeps grabbing my hand 'cause she's scaaaared of everybody. And she keeps running into everybody especially at the Supermarket. She has already done a couple of Hit and Runs. She never looks. She just keeps looking at the groceries and runs people over! Seriously, it's a wonder they don't lock her up for a salt...... 

Oink/Mum                    Quick grab my haaaand. How many times do I have to tell
                                            you....
BigKid                              See toldja.........
Mum                                 Can you pleeeese just grab my haaand. Now I won't tell
                                            you again darling.....
BigKid                              See toldja. Instacurity.....
Mum                                 Daaaarling, stop walking off. Pleeeeas grab my hand...
BigKid                              Fuuuuneee isn't she? Uses me 'cause she's scaaaared...
                                            She's a salted about a hundred shoppers today. Cops 
                                            should lock her up.
                                            "Mum watch where you are going....people are looking
                                            OMG mum you just knocked over a really old lady.    
                                            That's it I'm going......"
Mum                                COME BACK HERE....NOW...
BigKid                            (snickering) Translated that means she's lost and wants me
                                            to guide her outta the store. Dumb broad....
Mum                                OK suit yourself, I'm going...
BigKid                              Yeah, riiiight. As if. She uses that one all the time. I wish 
                                            she'd get used to the fact I'm almost as big as her.
                                            Anyway I'm sick of taking her round everywhere. It is 
                                            rule embara sing. "Good one Mum. Where are you. Mum?
                                            Maaarm, Maaaarmy, Aaaaarr (crying), Maaaarmy
                                             (screaming throwing tantrum on floor).....
Mum                                Oh get up. Stop that. Get up you naughty Boy
BigKid                            (snickering) As if dumbass. Now are you ready to go.
                                            .....'cause I am. You know it'll get a lot worse if you don't 
                                            do as I saaay....
Mum                                (Angry) Oh that's it I'll have to take you home.
                                                                Grabs his hand.......
BigKid                              (smiling and winks). See, works every time...
                                            Onya Oinky baaabbeee....

                                Coming Up:                Plus Thirty

Ya know how I told y'all yesterday that I walk and talk when Oink (I think it suits her better than Mumma!) and her conjoined twin Pip (I wish she'd pip off). Well I do ....sorta! See I can get up on my two feet and stand there and can't move. Then I can't get down. I get scared. But if I have something to hang on to then, no problems, off I go. But I don't let those two ferret heads see me. I mean, I watch
them walk around everywhere. I just don't get it. They have two pins just like me, right? And they zoom around faster than the speed of light. I watch. I study. I try. I fail. There must be something. I just don't know what it is. Oh, here comes Oink and Oinkee. I'm gunna watch them. Then I'm gunna do it (guuulp)......

                                        CAST OF CHARACTERS

Bubba                        Bubba First Steps
Oink                            Mumma's real name, Dianne TaKnow
Pip                                Joined at the hip Pip, Oink's sister

                                                    THE SCENE

Bubba has been crawling around everywhere and when the two evil sisters aren't watching Bubba has a crack at doing the first steps. But it has to be on his own terms. If they're looking, forget it. They'll take all the credit. Bubba just sits and watches as the two bigguns bolt around. How do they do that? Look how fast they go. Hmmmmm.........


Oink                        (watching Bubba). Carmon darling you can do it. Carmon...
                                   that's it. One step. Carmon....you can do it.....
Bubba                    Why do these big boofheads talk to me like I missed out on
                                    a brain when I was fertilated. Why do they talk in such a high 
                                    pitch like they've copped a big one up 'em...... (Bubba does a 
                                    cute little giggle, then a little jig and then....plonk on the 
                                    backside on the floor). Cop that Oinkers!
Pip                            Awwww. Up ya get. Try again. You can do it. Come on.....
Bubba                    Right that's it. Oink if you don't shut that big mouthed sister of
                                  yours up I won't start steppin' I'll start kickin...
Oink                        This time daaarling. Thaaat's it. Right now balance up aaaand..
                                    Carmon...one small step for man....
Bubba                    Yeah, I know.....Louis Armstrong. And I 'aint movin' until you 
                                 turn around Oinkers...

                                            (Oink and Pip give up and go to the kitchen. Bubba 
                                              watches still standing. As soon as they are out of 
                                            sight he gets down on all fours and crawls forward
                                            a bit then stands up. Bubba giggles. The Oinkers
                                            rush out......  
Oink/Pip                You did it. (they clap) Yeeeeeey. You clever boy...
Oink                        Now come on do it again. (She holds out her arms)
                                    Carmoon Bubba. Come to Mumma
Bubba                                             PLONK  (Giggles then crawls...)
Pip                            Well he finally did it....WooHoo...
Oink                        I think he outsmarted us. Buuuubbaaaaa, did you
 Bubba                    (Giggling)                Nyaaa Ha Haaar.......suckers......

                                    Tomorrow:                    A Guiding Hand
     



                         

OK, well I got over that little kid stage. As you can see, now I'm a really BIG kid....that sucks a pink dummy (well that's what mumma gave me!). Oh, yeah that's what I call her, in my head at least. Mumma has been trying for months to get me to talk. But I won't. I'm never going to talk 'cause I've seen what it does to big kids like me. See you have to watch these mums because they take advantage of you. If I give in and start talkin' then she'll think I understand things and then she will start ordering me around. Same with walking. She thinks I can't walk. Huh, aas iiif? Yeah right. I just don't walk around when she's looking. Play dumb all the time and then I get my own way. But she's really giving me a hard time lately she just keeps saying to me "Mumma, MMMumma, MMMumma. Like right in my face. I tell ya I don't like it. If she gets within range I'm gunna kick her into the next planet.......

                                                        CAST OF CHARACTERS

Bubba                                   They still call me Bubba, but as you can see I'm a really
                                                Biiig kid
Mumma                                Mumma TaKnow, also known as Dianne, once known
                                                 as OINK!

                                                                    THE SCENE

At home the big dominatrix keeps hittin' me up to talk. I just giggle at her and do that ridiculous goo goo baby talk. It has her fooled. One of Mumma's girlfriends (you remember Pip). yeah well she's got 3 kids and she keeps tellin' mum that I should be talking like all of hers did at that age. Mumma gets really peed orf when Pip loads up and goes home (like every single day, I mean why do they have to get together EVERY day. I mean gimme a break willya?). As soon as she walks out the door it starts Maaarma, Maaarma, Maarma.....
Sometimes I almost give up. She becomes brain draining. I think I'll either have to talk or maybe kill her. I haven't decided yet......

Mumma                        Maarma, Maarma, Maarma. Say Maar...
Bubba                            Oh shut the f up. It's really getting to me..
                                        ("Mmmmm Mmmmmm Mmmmmm"...that
                                        really gets to her because she thinks I'm about
                                        to say Mumma). Stupid beach
Mumma                        Cuumon darling say Mum-ma, Just once honey
                                        Maarma, mumumumum....
Bubba                            Right that's it. Enuff is Enuff. I'm reporting her 
                                         to the child abuse agency....
Mumma                        (Picking me up. Mind you completely starkers.
                                            Not a stitch on. I mean she might like running 
                                            around naked, but some people have morals..)
                                        "Please darling. Just say Mumma, Maaarma"
Bubba                            Oh no. Please don't do that. No, not the tickle. No
                                        Pleeease don't do that. "Ah ha, ah ha, ah ha, googoo
                                        ah ha, googoo, ah ha (laughing if you 'ain't got it!)
Bubba                            OK no more. I warned you beach. Ready, aim, 
                                        fiiiire......
Mumma                       Aaaaarrggh, oh you peed in mumma's face, you naughty
                                        boy.
Bubba                            Ah ha googoo, ah ha googoo. Y'ar lucky I didn't
                                        slam dunk ya with a browny missile! I hope you learn
                                        from your mistakes maarma. Now go get me some clothes
                                        and wipe yourself up.
                                        "Damn big thingies!"


                                                          Tomorrow :    How Do They Do That?

Gone is the safety and security of the waterbed. No more calmness. No more peace. No more Oink! What? Oink. Oink. Come back. Oh no. What is happening to Bout. He's out into something but what is it? There are these monstrous Big Thingies. They are Huuuuuge. They are everywhere. Bubba is being thrown around like a little ball. One of the Big Thingies has Bubba. And he has something in his hand. Bubba can't see properly. His vision is badly blurred. He is helpless amongst all of the Big Thingie monsters. He tries to escape. He kicks. He tries to hit them. He screams. But it is no use. They have obviously drugged him. The rope. Where is it? Oh nooooooo, the Big Thingie with the thingie in his hand. He has used it to cut the rope. All hope is lost. He has been drugged and bashed and now cut by these monsters. Bubba is now unattached. No Oink. Bubba is on his own..........

                                            CAST OF CHARACTERS

Bubba                            Unattached Bubba
Big Thingies                Doctors, Nurses, Nursing Aids, Aliens, Monsters
Mumma                         Oink, Dianne TaKnow, Babysitter, Dairy Distributor
DaBoys                           Fellow Inmates

                                                                SCENE

Bubba has been cut by a Big Thingie. Bubba is alone. He has been drugged, bashed, starved and now held captive. He has been taken kicking and screaming to what appears to be some type of maximum security prison (maternity ward). They have put Bubba in a small cell (cot) but he can hear the frantic screaming of other cellmates. Bubba has blurred vision obviously due to the drugs but he can still make out other inmates in cells similar to his. Some of DaBoys are quiet, too quiet. He prays for them. Some are resisting, screaming yelling, kicking. Some appear so small they are obviously being starved to death. So it would seem is Bubba. He needs food or he will die, like the others...........................

Bubba                                    Whaaaaaaaa, Whaaaaaaaa, Whaaaaaaaa (crying.....
                                                    well I don't know how to spell it!)
DaBoys                                  Whaaaaa, Whaaaaa, Whaaaaaa, Whaaaaa......
Bubba                                    Oh oh, here comes trouble, shutup boys or they'll
                                                  start the beatings......
Big Thingie                          Has this one been fed yet?
Bigger Thingie                    Not yet.
Big Thingie                          Well you better take him for supper...
Bubba                                     Oh no they're gunna eat me! Holy Mary......
                                    (Big Thingie picks Bubba up. Bubba fights then finally...
                                            .....BIIIG poo pooos, I mean...everywhere...)
Bubba                                    That was my last chance. Cop that Big Thingie!
Big Thingie                          I'll have to change him then take him to his mum..
Bubba                                    Whaaaaa, whaaaaa, Holy Mary....
                                    (While Bubba prays Big Thingie puts him on a slab and
                                    disrobes him. Seemingly it is the end. But no. Big Thingie
                                    puts new robes on Bubba...)
Big Thingie                        Now for something to eat, huh?
Bubba                                  OMG, hope ya choke on me you cannibal....
                                               Whaaaa, whaaaa, whaaaaa.......
                                    (Big Thingie picks Bubba up and takes him to his mum)
Mumma                    (Excited screams) My baaaaby....
Bubba                        Who dat? Is dat...is dat? It sounds familiar. Is dat you Oink..
Mumma                    Come to Mumma.
Bubba                        Oh Oink, it IS you. Quick, let's make a run for it. Have you 
                                    got another rope, they cut the other one. Where's the 
                                    oven incubator? Where's the waterbed? Oink? Oink?...oh no
                                     ...they've turned you into a Big Thingie (gulp!)
Mumma                   Hungry I 'spose? Let's see how this goes Darling...
Bubba                        Whatchu doin'? Stop it, stoooop it. 
                                                    (Mumma guides Bubba on to the breast. Some milk
                                                    squirts Bubba in the face...)
Bubba                        Whaaaa, whaaaa, whaaaaa........
Mumma                     Oh sorry Darling, theeeere you go, is that better?
Bubba                        (sucking) Mmmmmmm, yaaaarm, whatever this thing is
                                      it's soft and tastes great.....
                                                    (Little does Bubba know that in 20 years time he'll be
                                                        tryin' to do the same thing all over again....)

               Tomorrow

            SAY WHAT?       

Bout, the foetus soon to be Bubba, is distressed. It's upside down and getting a headache fast. It's been spinning around ever since the water bed sprung a leak. Bout has been calling out to Oink (oven incubator), even giving the Oink a good one, two.......but nothing.
Bout has just about given up. It is hearing this terrible screaming which isn't helping it's headache. The only hope it has is the rope. Still attached. Can't fall too far if it ends up somewhere in outer space or wherever all that noise is coming from. Bout is going blue. It realises the rope is around its neck and the alien things are strangling the very breath................
Then just when it looks all over THE LIGHT. Yeeessss, it's true. There is a LIGHT. Radiant light. Beaming rays of light. Light at the end of the tunnel. But time is running out. How can it reach the light and be saved...........

                                                    CAST OF CHARACTERS

                            Bout                                Bubba in the oven/Oink
                            Bubba                            Bout in the open
                            Oink                                The Screamer, Dianne TaKnow
                            Pip                                   The screaming hand holder
                            Big Thingies                The monstrous loud aliens/Doctors Nurses

                                                                    THE  SCENE

The Hospital delivery room. Pandemonium breaks out as Dianne Taknow is in the advanced stage of labour. Screaming yelling abusing which seems quite normal. The doctors and nurses are all giving Dianne beautiful words of encouragement like "PUUUUSH" and "JUST ONE MORE" and "GOOOOD GIRL". Pip is in excrutiating pain as Dianne attempts to break every bone in her hand and it appears there is a competition to see who can scream the loudest and wake the entire Intergalactic neighbourhood...........everyone seems to have forgotten about blue Bout to be a Bubba.............

Oink:                                Aaaaaaaarrgghhh........
Pip:                                    Aaaaaaarrgghhh.........
Bout:                                Aaaaaaaarrgghhh.........
Doctor:                            That's it. Just oooone mooore puuuush....
Oink:                                (Insane Screaming)
                                            Listen you beady eyed little twirp, why don't you 
                                            push for me so I can pull your tongue out your
                                            ars...Aaaaaaaaarrgghhh......
Doctor:                            Thaaaat's it. Here it comes. Niiice and easy.....
Oink:                                You faaaarrrker. Your dead, I'll Kill You. Aaaarrggh.
Bout:                                ....Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us.......hold on 
                                            I'm moving. What's that. Oh...oh....oh....hhhheeeeelp
Oink:                                 Aaaaaarrgghh......
Pip:                                    Aaaaaaarrgghh......let goooooo......hhhhheeeeeelp...
Doctor:                            (calmly) Thaaat's it. Here's the head. Niiice and easy..
Oink:                                I'll have your head you faaaarka....aaaarrgghh....
Pip:                                    Aaaaarrgghh:........
Bout/Bubba                    (In shock). Put me back in. What is that insane noise?
                                            Women screaming. Push me back in. Don't like this place.
Doctor:                            (calmly) Thaaaat's iiit. Now just ooone more BIIIG push..
                                            Thaaaaat's iit........
Oink:                                  (screaming insanely) Thaaaat's it alright. Pip, grab the 
                                            motherfaaark......I'm gunna bash 'im......
Pip:                                    Aaaaaaarrgghh.......
Bout/Bubba:                Oh oooooooohhhhhh, I'm dead, bye everyone, it's been, 
                                            weeeellll....aaaarrgghhhmm....noisy.....hold on I'm, I'm, 
                                            oh, I'm moving again, whooaa, whoooooaaaa........
Oink:                                Aaaaaaaaaaarrgghhhh........
Pip:                                    Aaaaaaaaaaarrgghhhh......., Di...Di...Let go...
DoctorBig Thingie:    Thaaaaat's iiiittt.....
Bubba:                            I'm out. I'm free. The noise has stopped. Maybe I've died
                                            and gone to that Purgatory temporary hot house shelter..
Big Thingie:                    Congratulations, It's a Boy.....
Bubba:                            Watchu talkin' 'bout Big Thingie. Where am I? Big 
                                            Thingies everywhere. I'm trapped. No escape....
                                                    (Bubba is handed to Nurse who smacks on rear)
Bubba:                            OMG. Big Thingies are attacking me. I've been violated
                                            Quick call an alien and tell them about the Big Thingies 
                                            invading and the masochistic rituals. The rope....the rope
                                            can save me....
Big Thingie:                    Cut the cord...
Bubba:                            Watchu doin' Big Thingie. Oh No. Not the Rooooope..
                                            (gulp) I'm dead. See y'all in Bubba Heaven........
                           

                            Tomorrow :                    What's For Dinner

OK let's fast forward about 8 months plus or so. EB is no longer an embryo. That finished over 6 months ago. Now EB is well and truly a foetus with all body parts, brain and other accessories apparently in good working order. In fact Foetus is soon to become a fully fledged BUBBA. Dianne TaKnow, the incubator, is in the advanced stages of "lettin' it all hang out' and her best friend Pip (the same one as in my song 'Mad Like Your Dad') has come over to take her to hospital for the delivery. Dianne is worried. She wanted to be admitted yesterday but the hospital keeps monitoring her and think she is too early.
Meanwhile back in the oven of mum's tum.......

                                                    CAST OF CHARACTERS

                                Oink                Oven Incubator, Dianne TaKnow
                                Pip                    Oink's best friend
                                Bout                 'Bout to be a bubba but still a Foetus

                                                                THE SCENE

Dianne TaKnow's living room. Dianne is laying on the floor. She thinks her waters have broken (is that wot you say? I'm just a male author....). Her best friend Pip is on the phone to the nurse at the hospital waiting for the word to bring Dianne in. Bout the foetus, soon to be a bubba is cruisin' while snoozin' until..........

Oink:                    Aaaarrgghh.......
Pip:                 Now stay calm darling. We'll be off soon....
                                (Pip tries to calm the Oink.....)
                        I wonder if it will be a boy or girl?
                        I'm dyin' to know
Oink:            Aaaaarrgghh.......no your not....
Pip:                What?
Oink:            I'm Dianne TaKnow. Aaaaarrgghhh....
Pip:                Oh, that's fuuuneee..
                                Both girls break out into a fit of laughter. Meanwhile.......
Bout:            Oooooo Mmmmmm (stretching)
                        Hey you two nutters. I'm not deaf you know. I might be in the 
                        oven but I'm right next to you. Shutdaar........I'm tired.....
                        Wooooaa, aaghm, excuse me but, aaghm, I think I'm leaking..
                        Wooooaa, aaghm, ladies, aaghm, somebody's leakin' in da oven
                        OMG, it's the waterbed. The waterbed's sprung a leak. OMG...
Oink:            My waters have broken. Oh it's time to go...
Pip:                Right now darling (calmly). Let's take you off to hospital....
Bout:             OMG...Heeeelppp....What's happening...Call the fire brigade...
                        the oven's flooding...Oink dooooo something...have you got a 
                        repair kit to fix the leak...Oh no now what's goin'down.....
                        Aaargh, H.E.L.L.O aaaaghm, I'm spinning...I hope I'm still attached
                        to that rope thingie....
Oink:            Aaaaaarrgghh......
Pip:                Right dear now one foot into the car. Thaaaat's it...
Oink:            Pip stop talking to me like I'm an idiot. I'm giving Bir....
Bout:            Whooooaaaaa, I'm getting giddy. Water pressure dropping rapidly
                        Hey Oink I need help in here....(CLUNK)...Yikes...Aaaaghm.....
                        heeeelp...I hit my head on somethin', I'm aaaaghm sorta upside 
                        down in the oven here and my heads stuck between somethin'..
                        hellooooo, hellooooo...waterbed, pleeease come back...OINK....
                        do they have rosary beads in these oven incubators??? 
                        heeeelp (gulp)......I'm choking in here people...there's something
                        strangliiiiing me (cough cough)..I'm turning blue...should I be blue
                        someone....hello....bye everybody...looks like we'll have to cut the
                        series short....aaaahaaagh (muffled cry).....

                                                Tomorrow :                Big Thingies

Well, well, well. It seems that Willie Blowitt has done just that, in more ways than one. Dianne Taknow now knows that she is PREGNANT. It is three weeks later and Willie has been given the flick. He is now Willie Wanka and Di is the happiest she has ever been. Finally the child she has been wanting all of her life is in her tum. (woohoo, onya Di!). Di has only just found out the good news and she wants to communicate with her baby, even though it is only in its development stages. No body parts, not even a brain yet but Di believes she can communicate, and so she has contacted her Spiritual Adviser for help. Of course she realises that she won't be able to see anything until the foetal stage which is around 8 weeks, but that isn't going to stop Dianne TaKnow. Her Spiritual Adviser has summoned the help of his own Spiritual Master, to assist with the transcendental translation of the Consciousness. See, for this to work the two Enlightened Masters must work together, one to ask the questions, the other to translate the messages of Consciousness. For all millenia there has been varied opinion as to whether an embryo can understand and interpret any sort of communication, given there is no body, no brain, no heartbeat, for the first 8 weeks until it becomes a foetus. In fact the question is whether there is life or just, well....nothingness. But Dianne TaKnow is all Spirited up having been a disciple of Zen philosophy all her life.Her two enlightened friends are going to put her in touch with Embryo Bubba. Let's find out more in
................INTERVIEW WITH AN EMBRYO...............

                        CAST

Dianne TaKnow        The Incubator
EB                                   Embryo Bubba
The Deli Drama (Deli)
                      The Enlightened Interviewer
Master Shutdaar Fuk Upp (Shoosh)
                          Transcendental Translator

                                                                    THE SCENE

The local Buddhist Temple. Dianne TaKnow is in a deep meditational trance in the centre of the radiant Light of a Thousand Candles. On each side of her are two of the great Spiritual Leaders of the modern era, HRH The Deli Drama, the Enlightened One, and on the other side of Dianne TaKnow is the Deli Drama's own Spiritual Master, also Enlightened, the Honourable Master Shutdaar Fuk Upp. The enlightened ones each hold one hand over the tummy of Dianne Ta Know and begin the chant of the Buddha.....oooooohm, oooooohm,ooooooohm,oooooohm,oooooohm,oooooohm,oooooohm,
oooooohm,ohm mani paome hum........
The ohming ceases. The interview begins.....

Deli:                    Well first off EB, congratulations on winning the big Taddy race 
                                and of course Uinsane and EggAhead fertilizing together for 
                                the first time.
EB:                        Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........
Shoosh:             He vely tired. 
Deli:                    Tell me EB, can you comprehend what it is I am saying?
EB:                        Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........
Shoosh:              He say Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........... He vely tired.
Deli:                    So EB, without any organs or brain and stuff, do you find that 
                            you are One with the Universe, that you have enlightenment?
EB:                       Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........
Shoosh:            Nuffin'. Vely tired. We should chant more ooooohm.......

                                    (Together they OHM incessantly for what seems eternity...)

Shoosh:            (Excitedly) Oh Grand Master of the Deli, I hear movement
                            Quickry ask sirry question.

Deli:                    Most Honourable EB, can you explain to us the feelings of
                               enlightenment and fulfilment  you have as embryo in 
                                Dianne Incubator
EB:                        Right, that's it. Listen condom head, I am trying to snooze 
                                my way to enlightenment before these peanut brains start
                                to make me suffer with this life thingie. One more OHM and
                                I will shove that OHM up your BOM and pull it out your
                                mouth. Got it Little Glasshopper....
Shoosh:                Ooo, it good. He wake. He veeeely funneeee......
Deli:                    Good to hear from you EB. We knew you were Consciousness
                              But to know you are Enlightened. This is Buddha gooda time
EB:                        Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......
Shoosh:            He vely tired. He snoozin' more. But he leave us wif 
                            transcendental telepethic message for us. He say my name in
                            respect. He say  SHUTDAAR FUK UP !
Deli:                  EB. You dere EB. No more Ohm. You say my name in respect..
EB:                    Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......... Baboon bumhead.......zzzzzzzzzzz..
Shoosh:            He veeeely fuuuunneee embryo.......

                        Tomorrow :        THE BIRTH CANAL EXPRESS
        

It seems that Willie Blowitt has started something. This story is starting to take form. It is still PRE-BE time but it's getting close to some sort of creation. So when it's so close to non-existence becoming existence is there something, even if there is no life yet? No body yet. No brain yet. No mind yet? No heartbeats, no breaths, not even time because time is only relevant to life, and as yet there isn't any......
BUT there IS something making all of this happen, isn't there? There must be. Otherwise how could it be happening. Hmmmmmm, interesting, no? This consciousness thing I have been studying, is starting to make me wonder! Let's delve a little deeper into this mystery huh?
Must be time to take up our seat at the Olympics, the Tadpole Olympics.

Egg Ahead:                                Well Heeeello Uinsane!
Uinsane:                                    (Startled) Who you?
Egg Ahead:                                I....am you. Cum with me....
Uinsane:                                    Listen EggHead. You are NOT me
                                                        I am me and you are freaking me out
                                                        sister!
Egg Ahead:                                Cum. It is time to begin the JOURNEY.
Uinsane:                                    What journey. Are you for real sister?
Egg Ahead:                                Cum. Do not be afraid. We are ONE.
                                                        The Universal One. It is time to BE !
Uinsane:                                    I don't wanna be a BE sister. I wanna BE outta here.
Egg Ahead:                                Together we will becum ONE. It is already our
                                                        destiny. We are enlightened. Cum with me to 
                                                        Nirvana where there is nothing but love.
Uinsane:                                    Love? Hmmmmm...what about Unuts2?
Egg Ahead:                                We are All together. We are One. Do not be afraid.
                                                        Cum. Let us begin....

(Then the two of them became joined as ONE. Brilliant rays of light appeared. The entire Universe was aglow with the radiance of BEING. Life begins. Consciousness is ever present.)
Uinsane:                                    (Gulp!) I'm scaaaared. Egghead...Egghead....
Egg Ahead:                                I     AM     YOU.......

                    Tomorrow:            INTERVIEW WITH AN EMBRYO

Hey Dots
Well as promised here is the first episode of the comedy short scripts. But before we start to have a giggle I need to remind y'all that there is a point to each episode. Overall I suppose you could say the series is about EVOLUTION or even CREATION. This first episode is about PRE-ME or PRE-EXISTENCE before we had a pulse, or heartbeat. I need you to THINK about something because it is important information on my journey. Did you and I exist before our pulse, our heartbeat, our bodies. I believe we did and as we move forward you will begin to understand. But until then.....on with the show!

THE PLAYERS

Willie Blowitt, Unloving Male chauvinistic husband
Dianne TaKnow, Desperate Housewife

THE SCENE

Downtown suburbia. Nice House. The kitchen / dining room 9.00pm
Dianne is desperate. Her biological clock is ticking. Kidless and loveless after 15 years. It has to be tonight. Tonight is fertile night of the month. She has carefully planned it. Brand new leather and lace bra and panties. All made up with the new hairstyle. And then the Channel No.5. It has to work. But just in case..........

The Kitchen

Di has prepared his favourite meal, steak and mashed potato with mushroom sauce. She opens the microwave and takes out the warm milk for the coffee. She crushes the BLUE PILL. A whole one! That should get a bit of movement happening! She puts the crushed powder into the milk adds the coffee and voila, a nice stiff drink for lover boy.

He's home. Willie walks in and grunts.

Di:                Hello darling, right on time. How was the pub?
Willie:        Not long enough!
Di:                Darling have you noticed anything?
Willie:        Yeah, my dinner's not on the table.
Di:                (Moving over to canoodle with him)
                        Can you smell something nice?
Willie:        Oh yuuum, mashed spuds....
Di:                Eeeeerrrr, here.....here's your dinner (frustrated and hurt)
                        And your warm milk coffee. Your favourite. Drink it all down darl.
                        See you in bed. Goodnight (pig!)

30 minutes later in the bedroom...........

Willie puts his long jons on and climbs into bed with his newspaper..........

Di:            (Snuggles up next to Willie)
 Willie:    What aaare you doing? Stop that. Di. What's got in to you?
Di:            (Screaming like a mad woman)
                    We need to make baby tonight. It has to be tonight. NOOOOW...
Willie:    What..... stop that...Di.....stop......

BOING !!!!!

Willie:    What the....
Di:            (Muffled voice)
                    I a oo ee ooite.....i..aaa...oooo....eeee.....oooiite
Willie:    What, oh my God, you insane woman, what are you doing now?
Di:              Yeeesss, oh, oh, oh...
Willie:    Stop jumping up and down like that. You're mad woman. Heeeelp.
                    You're hurting my legs. Oh my.....
Di:            (screaming) Wiiiiillieeee. Yes...yes....yes....now....now.....now....
                    Wiiiillieee.........Blowiiiiitttt
Willie:        Aaaaarrrgghh
Di:                Yeeeeeessssssss....(she jumps off)

(Deathly silence then...

Willie:    Have you got something you wanna say, woman.
Di:            (With smug grin)
                Yeah, pass the tissues, BOING boy!

(....to be continued.....)


Tomorrow :    The Tadpole Olympics