CAN I MATTER?

"Is it possible to overcome my devastation and start life all over again?"
"Is it possible to completely re-invent myself and pursue my dreams?"
"Can I leave the past behind me and create a new future?"
"Can I matter?"

"We are born
We die
In between
Is the reason why"

                                -    Extract page 54 Exercise Book 1
TriggerDot
                                            aka Brendan Lauritz                           

Pretty dramatic stuff, huh? I'm finding it fascinating to read my exercise books because it is bringing back the feelings I was going through at the time. This was the first of my books so it was a pretty baaaad time. The nightmare had only just begun. I would say I had probably just started learning how to survive with my first little two man tent, probably just discovered the soup kitchens. It was a pretty yukky feeling inside at the time. Times like that you never forget.
But what I find fascinating looking back is THE WAY I was THINKING already. Those four questions........ WOW! Even I'm proud of myself because you can see I was questioning my spirit, my very SOUL, about my ABILITY to get through this stuff. My THINKING was very clear under extreme duress. I was questioning ME, my INNER SELF, later to become my Mister SomeOne Out-There. I could see what was happening with no jobs, no car, no accommodation, no money and onanonanon....... BUT....

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.... FIND THE REASON WHY.....

I KNEW what I was going to do, even at that early stage. I KNEW I had to re-invent my very existence. I KNEW I could do it because of my SELF-BELIEF. I just didn't know how hard this re-invention would be. But at least I KNEW.
That last question to myself "Can I matter?". That question is a very big WOW of which I am soooo proud looking back. For even though I was thinking from under the bottom of my rock, I was already using the EXPERIENCE to DEFINE the rest of my life. I was saying to myself "You get yourself out of this mess and not only comeback BUT 'make a difference' when you do. And you know what dot? I haven't let myself down. My Journey has been long. My Journey has been difficult. BUT I HAVE LEARNED. I HAVE RE-INVENTED. And.....
I WILL MATTER........

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The STEPS of LIFE .......

Then there is that little poem. Only a few words but what great meaning. Those of you who have been reading me for a while will have seen the poem before. I have quoted it a few times because of it's simplicity, because of it's meaning, because of it's POWER. It makes you THINK. We know the first two lines are fact; we ARE born and we WILL die. But the next bit is POWERFUL "in between is the reason why". Oh yeah. If you read that again and again and then question yourself with WHAT is the reason why, then I am a very happy little TriggerDot because it may be a turning point in your life. See, that very question "WHAT is the reason why?" has to be answered by your ME, your inner self, your MSOT. And if after a lot of SOUL SEARCHING you can find the answer to that WHAT, you will find an answer to the question I asked myself all that time ago...........

                                        CAN  I  MATTER ?

Hmmmm..........

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