"Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life's Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home"
- William Wordsworth, English poet; 18th/19th Century
The Oxford Book Of English, p628
I hit the scids, my rock bottom. In Devil's Dip, in the town of Miser-ee, I called out to 'someone' for help. I found Mister SomeOne Out-There who lives in me. MSOT is my inner self, someone who had been knocking inside me but until now, I had never answered the door to let him out. When I finally let ME out, he came bearing gifts (important, remember it!). MSOT is ME. ME is my MIND and my MIND is Universal. In fact it is called the Universal One-Mind. This MIND is what gives us the 'gifts'. This MIND is Bob Dylan's 'ghost'.
Every night I would THINK. In many ways I was unbeknowingly MEDITATING. Because I had found ME I was able to concentrate on my future, not dwell on my past. I had become reclusive but my EGO was diminishing, my attachment to things was waning. For some reason my CREATIVITY in relation to my design of my new Social Network was craaaazzzeee creativity activity. I was designing new applications for it daily. Not only the designing but I was working out how to implement, to EXECUTE those applications. Then BANG. No more. The creating would stop and yet the creative environment had not changed. Hmmmmmm........
It was frustrating to say the least. I was not getting a say in the creative production. But WHY??????
I told you about my little walk along the beach to Rosies for a free feed. The beautiful thing about the beach and surf at night is that there are not many people around, its dark, and the thunderous roar of the surf lets you YELL. At the top of your voice........
No-one hears. No-one sees.
So I YELLED. I SCREAMED in fact.
"I'M DOWN................... I'M SOOOO DEPRESSED"
I looked around. Nothing. No-one. Cooooooool.
But what was I doing? Why did I do that? Anger? Frustration maybe?
I can remember thinking to myself "you're losing it, you idiot"
So I kept walking, thinking about what I had just done.
Then, more screaming.....
"I'M BROKE.............'AIN'T GOT A CENT"
As I detailed in my book, THAT was the beginning of my song writing experiences. And there were many. I was not MINDFUL. I was not AWARE of what was happening.
Over the next few weeks, and then months, I gave a lot of my creative time, my ALONE time, my La Chateau Tento time, to the WORDS. At the time I didn't know I was writing lyrics to a song. I thought I was writing verse for a poem. I documented everything in my exercise books. I would wake up at three in the morning with an inspiration to change the words. And so I did what I was being told. All this time I was writing the book every day at the Library, one hour at a time. I thought these words were going to be for a poem for the book.
Sometimes I would just lie there, staring at the words, trying to figure out how I could make them mean more. I wasn't happy. Then one night I went down to the beach to meditate, which I did quite often. Those words kept coming back to me. So this time I had more words. My MIND was free because I had only just finished my insight meditation, which I had taught myself, and was making some inroads into it's mystery. I went down to the water and I did some more SCREAMING like that first time, only this time I had more words:
I'm down, I'm soooo depressed
I'm broke, 'Ain't got a cent
No hope, I'm history
Can't see what's wrong with me
No hope, I wanna die
But screaming the words was empty. There was something missing. So I did it again. But this time I sort of sang it out loud. It sounded betterer. Much betterer. Hmmmmmm........
That night I went back and did a whole night worth of THINKING. That morning when I woke I had a song in my head. I had written my first song.
But I wasn't a song writer....... was I? Well I had no intention of being a song writer. But the song sounded pretty coooool. Hmmmmmm.......
I was confused. I sorta knew that it was something to do with this whole CREATIVE PROCESS. But I needed to know more about it. I needed to know more about my MIND and what it was doing. I needed to know more about ME. The ME that gave me these gifts.
And so I hit the Library. I hit the books for some answers.
........ to be continued...........