OH WHY
"I can't shake this feeling of sadness within
Oh why is this life of mine so trying, so grim
I pray and meditate and keep my soul nourished
Oh why am I tortured,so severely punished
My mind is so active, all over the place
Oh why am I hurting so, these problems I face
keep pushing me further into the darkness, the abyss
Oh why won't you help me , show me light, share the bliss
I know you are in there, you keep knocking inside
Oh why play with my feelings, keep hurting my pride
When all that matters is the ending, to determine my fate
Oh why be so negative, you are not thinking straight
And so I continue my Journey, one step at a time
Oh why does it take so long , this project of mine
I struggle, I suffer as my mind shoots thoughts in the air
Oh why don't you help me, Mister SomeOne Out-There"
- Pensive TriggerDot
aka Brendan Lauritz
A 3600 second glass....... Woooops. Sorry guys for being absent for a while but I've been sorta busy. Another FUNeral. Pretty sad as they all are. It's not really a creative environment for writing but anyway...... life still continues for every single dot. TIME doesn't stop ticking it's way to wherever it is going, to 'infinity and beyond' as Buzz would tell us.
My writing and poems are probably an indication that I have a few problems. Recently life has been getting me a bit 'down', a bit 'morbid' even. It is translated by my feelings within. Feeling down, write down. Feeling good, write good. I'm not sure if that's the way it goes for other writers but it sure gets me that way. I'm proud of that in a way because I am being true to myself. Being true to you, my readers. It is soooooo important to me that you understand FEELINGS, MY feelings. And there is a reason for that. If I can put on paper my own personal feelings of all that life can throw at me, if I can SHARE the emotional rollercoaster highlights as I continue on my Journey, then my intention is that YOU will relate to some of my feelings and it will help you. That you will GAIN particularly from my PAIN. I am my very own personal support network. I battle my demons, my NEGOBS, but I am blessed to be able to SHARE some emotions with you, to help YOU understand how I feel. And by doing that I help ME understand how YOU feel. They call it EMPATHY. I call it NEEDSEARCH. It is part of my "GIVING BACK". I can't give you help with money ........ YET ....... (but I will with DotsHQ!) .... and so I will try to help this way........
My writing and poems are probably an indication that I have a few problems. Recently life has been getting me a bit 'down', a bit 'morbid' even. It is translated by my feelings within. Feeling down, write down. Feeling good, write good. I'm not sure if that's the way it goes for other writers but it sure gets me that way. I'm proud of that in a way because I am being true to myself. Being true to you, my readers. It is soooooo important to me that you understand FEELINGS, MY feelings. And there is a reason for that. If I can put on paper my own personal feelings of all that life can throw at me, if I can SHARE the emotional rollercoaster highlights as I continue on my Journey, then my intention is that YOU will relate to some of my feelings and it will help you. That you will GAIN particularly from my PAIN. I am my very own personal support network. I battle my demons, my NEGOBS, but I am blessed to be able to SHARE some emotions with you, to help YOU understand how I feel. And by doing that I help ME understand how YOU feel. They call it EMPATHY. I call it NEEDSEARCH. It is part of my "GIVING BACK". I can't give you help with money ........ YET ....... (but I will with DotsHQ!) .... and so I will try to help this way........
....except if karma comes into play..... So how long is TIME going to give me???? Hmmmm........
A question I am sure you would like to know the answer to as well. If you did know how long you have of this very personal life would you continue to live the way you do every other day?
Let me give you an example, a very personal one. A sharing from my soul. I cannot KNOW how long I will live. Nor can you. But there are indicators, particularly hereditary. How long your family lived before you is an indicator. I expect from my own bit of NEEDSEARCH that I have maybe 4000 days, around 11 years based on my family history. Could be less, maybe a lot less. It makes me AWARE of ME.......
So I've done a pretty good job of mucking up the last 15,000 days or so. That's a given. And I can tell you with some certainty that I don't have another 15,000 days, or if I do I will be one very scaaaaary lookin' dude when I ferment! But TIME is catching up with my LIFE. Soon my LIFE will have no TIME. Weeeell, not this human being life existence stuff. Is there something else? Does TIME keep going? Yep, I think it does but in what form I don't know. And so I have to do better. I have a lot less than what I have used up..... days of life that is! So now I MUST think more about my 4000 days and how I am going to use them. It's not just about ME anymore.
A question I am sure you would like to know the answer to as well. If you did know how long you have of this very personal life would you continue to live the way you do every other day?
Let me give you an example, a very personal one. A sharing from my soul. I cannot KNOW how long I will live. Nor can you. But there are indicators, particularly hereditary. How long your family lived before you is an indicator. I expect from my own bit of NEEDSEARCH that I have maybe 4000 days, around 11 years based on my family history. Could be less, maybe a lot less. It makes me AWARE of ME.......
So I've done a pretty good job of mucking up the last 15,000 days or so. That's a given. And I can tell you with some certainty that I don't have another 15,000 days, or if I do I will be one very scaaaaary lookin' dude when I ferment! But TIME is catching up with my LIFE. Soon my LIFE will have no TIME. Weeeell, not this human being life existence stuff. Is there something else? Does TIME keep going? Yep, I think it does but in what form I don't know. And so I have to do better. I have a lot less than what I have used up..... days of life that is! So now I MUST think more about my 4000 days and how I am going to use them. It's not just about ME anymore.
....ONE DAY....... MOI ???? I am now very aware of my MIND and the THOUGHTS that I choose. I am also very aware of TIME. I wish someone out there had made me aware a long TIME ago. I would have lived a different life. I would have been a different ME, a better ME, someone I would have liked much better-erer. But I still have TIME. I am AWARE of that. And so the THOUGHTS that I am now CHOOSING are defining a new ME, the one I WANT to BE.
So what will I do with my 4000 days? Hmmmm....... Well I really started them quite a few days ago, so I could cheat and sorta add on a few 'credits' at the end and still begin with 4000 days. Let's not count yesterday either. Yesterday was my brother's FUNeral. I have no intention or desire to become 'experienced' in funerals but it seems to be the case as I get older and so does everybody else. It's sad, very sad, to lose someone in your family or a close friend. It hurts. And it causes grief which can go on causing pain for the rest of life. I really don't want to appear like the Grim Reaper but death is REALITY. If you are not yet born (in which case you are probably not reading this!!!!) then there is no certainty of being born. That is not up to you or I. But once you are BORN there is one certainty in your short life. Nobody escapes it. We all will die.......
So rather than wait until someone close in your life dies, or wait until you have a near death experience why don't you find that nice little calm, peaceful place of reverie, close your eyes and THINK about HOW MUCH TIME YOU BELIEVE YOU MAY HAVE LEFT. Then work it out in DAYS, even MINUTES or maybe even SECONDS. Whichever denomination it isn't much. So make the most of it. Choose NOW to DO what you believe you can do because............
So what will I do with my 4000 days? Hmmmm....... Well I really started them quite a few days ago, so I could cheat and sorta add on a few 'credits' at the end and still begin with 4000 days. Let's not count yesterday either. Yesterday was my brother's FUNeral. I have no intention or desire to become 'experienced' in funerals but it seems to be the case as I get older and so does everybody else. It's sad, very sad, to lose someone in your family or a close friend. It hurts. And it causes grief which can go on causing pain for the rest of life. I really don't want to appear like the Grim Reaper but death is REALITY. If you are not yet born (in which case you are probably not reading this!!!!) then there is no certainty of being born. That is not up to you or I. But once you are BORN there is one certainty in your short life. Nobody escapes it. We all will die.......
So rather than wait until someone close in your life dies, or wait until you have a near death experience why don't you find that nice little calm, peaceful place of reverie, close your eyes and THINK about HOW MUCH TIME YOU BELIEVE YOU MAY HAVE LEFT. Then work it out in DAYS, even MINUTES or maybe even SECONDS. Whichever denomination it isn't much. So make the most of it. Choose NOW to DO what you believe you can do because............
.........TICK, TICK, TICK...........
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