Because when it comes you'll know you're dead"
- Tennesee Williams
I don't have anything much of value anymore and anything I do I carry in my back pack. this includes 10 exercise books of notes I have written since my financial demise. Like a diary, I suppose. I hardly ever look at them any more except on occasions like this. Oh boy! It's very hard to read some of the stuff going through my mind at the time. In book 2 I found some ramblings of a bad period I was having. I can't remember documenting them. Hmmmm..... But, it reinforces to me how far I have come since then. Sometimes I need reinforcement like that. So, here is a little bit of what I wrote back then. Word for word rambling......
I'm under the doona. I'm all curled up.Embryo position. Mum's tum. Grief increasing. I can't go on. Take me away. Who am I talking to. How dare you. Nobody could ever feel like this. Torture of the mind.Why did it happen. My fault. IDIOT. I'm down. Heeeelp me somebody............ DIE
Stop it now. Listen to me. It's not the worst. Think. Give your head a rest. It could be worse much much worse. U watch news. Families wiped out, children taken, life prison terms, people losing limbs, sight hearing, maybe all, born deformed. Starving millions one day from death. I have no right to feel bad. No right to surrender.. Thank God for opportunity. One life that's it. Get up...
How am I feeling right now. Alone with only my thoughts for company. What am I feeling. Loneliness, loss, grief, humiliation, embarassment, anxiety, shame, pain, fear, injustice, disappointment.....
Use the gifts God gave you. Turn your pain into others gain. Share your experiences with as many as you can. They need your help. Show them how to do it. One life. Its bad. You know it's not the worst. Come back. God gave you this short life. Make him proud. Turn your tragedy into a celebration of life. Pain no more. Gone. A new beginning.......
Hmmmmmm......., that is exactly as it is written on pages 71-72 of the second exercise book (I think). I numbered all of the pages for references when I was writing the book. As I said I can't remember writing any of the above ramble. I would say that it was not long after becoming homeless, or when I was homeless. But you can see even then I was trying to talk myself up. I was using the darkness. I was NEVER beaten.
Pretty interesting, huh? Since then I have done a lot as you know. It's been slow but gratifying when I look back like this.
I'm not really into MEMORIES especially my own, because, weeell, in my case there don't seem to be too many good ones. But, that said bad memories are a great foundation for writing good ones, no?
Footnote: Some good came out of my search last night in that I came across some good quotes which I will start each blog with over the next few days.
Thanks for hangin' with me