REMEMBERING ME
"Sometimes it's hard to look back when
the darkest days made life so bad, but then
I know that it makes me who I am today
To think, and learn life's lessons this way
I shiver and shake as I recount every mistake
Oh how stupid I was, the sole blame for my fate
But why cast my MIND back, inflict a whole lot more pain
In the pit of adversity I cry, the scars of battle remain
Why do I return to the ghettos of a tortured MIND
when it just makes me feel sick to make disaster rewind
There can be no comfort in the analysis of a suffering soul
So why do I do it, going back in TIME where I have no control
I lay on my bed gazing aimlessly into the ceiling of life
Anguish taking a hold of my banished visions, the cut of the knife
The eyes of horror stare up into the pictures of misery I see
A glutton for punishment in search of the tragedy in ME
I try to move forward but the past ashes they smoulder
STEP forward so slowly as I look back over my shoulder
This pointless exercise in masochism no help in repair
Why look back into darkness, the pain and despair
But then I saw something beyond the black past of my stare
The lesson to call out for help "Dear Mister Someone Out-There"
'Twas then I knew there was reason to revisit the pain I could see
The complete package of life includes REMEMBERING ME"
- TriggerDot
- aka Brendan Lauritz
Copyright 06/01/2014 (it's sloppy to copy!)
Looking into her FUTURE PAST? Hmmm.... maybe I have often chatted to you about the past. Because it is behind us and not in front of us we have no control over it at all. What's done is done. History. We can't 'turn back time' even with Cher sitting on the top of a cannon. We have absolutely no control over what is finished. But the past does have a huuuuge impact on our lives. Our past can shape our future if we are prepared to let it.
Our lives are finite. There is a beginning and an end. In terms of TIME, an average of 80 years, or around 30,000 days, should see us go underground. The first bit is spent learning as a toddler, then a child and later a teenager. We get a lot of help during this time from parents and teachers. Our past at this point shouldn't knock us around too much but by the time of 20/21 years old we should have a pretty solid foundation for what will be (Que Sera Sera!). But then the big "R" word comes into play for the next 'rest of life'. Responsibility. And it's where the big mistakes happen. Marriage, jobs, kids, mortgages, debt and other big people stuff create havoc as we journey forward. It was OK when we were just out of school but then we start living. And partying. And falling in and out of love. And getting greedy. We make mistakes. Sometimes we FAIL. Yikes! I hate that F word.....
Then we move into our 30s then into our 40s. Oh Oh. The top of the Bell curve. Double Yikes! We start moving downwards. All of a sudden we have more PAST than FUTURE. Hmmmm....... Never thought that would happen. And guess what? Many of us BLOW IT. The failure and the mistakes jump on our backs as we slowly descend, making it harder to enjoy what's left of our future. Riding bareback into oblivion. Grassed by the past. During this 'living' period we probably cop a tragedy or two, a good dose of hardship, some excruciating losses in the form of family, friends, and money and a whole lotta insurmountable grief. Probably going to get a lot worse as we accumulate more PAST and chew into our not so rosey FUTURE. Hmmmm this story is too depressing. Let's try it from another angle. Let's try the proof in the pudding. A shining example of a FUTURE PAST......... MOI
Our lives are finite. There is a beginning and an end. In terms of TIME, an average of 80 years, or around 30,000 days, should see us go underground. The first bit is spent learning as a toddler, then a child and later a teenager. We get a lot of help during this time from parents and teachers. Our past at this point shouldn't knock us around too much but by the time of 20/21 years old we should have a pretty solid foundation for what will be (Que Sera Sera!). But then the big "R" word comes into play for the next 'rest of life'. Responsibility. And it's where the big mistakes happen. Marriage, jobs, kids, mortgages, debt and other big people stuff create havoc as we journey forward. It was OK when we were just out of school but then we start living. And partying. And falling in and out of love. And getting greedy. We make mistakes. Sometimes we FAIL. Yikes! I hate that F word.....
Then we move into our 30s then into our 40s. Oh Oh. The top of the Bell curve. Double Yikes! We start moving downwards. All of a sudden we have more PAST than FUTURE. Hmmmm....... Never thought that would happen. And guess what? Many of us BLOW IT. The failure and the mistakes jump on our backs as we slowly descend, making it harder to enjoy what's left of our future. Riding bareback into oblivion. Grassed by the past. During this 'living' period we probably cop a tragedy or two, a good dose of hardship, some excruciating losses in the form of family, friends, and money and a whole lotta insurmountable grief. Probably going to get a lot worse as we accumulate more PAST and chew into our not so rosey FUTURE. Hmmmm this story is too depressing. Let's try it from another angle. Let's try the proof in the pudding. A shining example of a FUTURE PAST......... MOI
Remember ME? TIME helps to lessen the pain but the scars remain as I pointedly scribe in my little ditty above. The hurt inflicted immediately after a tragedy is the worst. The immediate PAST is all consuming sometimes to the point of not wanting a FUTURE. But then the pain diminishes ever so slowly as we live each day forward. The days move into weeks, then months and years. It gets better. But during this hurtful time we keep eating into our future and replacing it with more past. We don't get any credits added to the end.
So get over it? Nup. Uh Uh. That's unfair. Sometimes the hurt will live with us forever. Scars are scars. A blemish on purity.
What then?
......USE THE HURT......
Don't surrender. Just REMEMBER.....
When I first became homeless I was lost. Very. My new world was unfamiliar. And dangerous. The fear was deep set within me. The beginning of the pain is always the worst. As I became more familiar and worked out 'the system' I sought help through books and meditation, prayer and other community support, such as the solace of the wonderful voluntary workers at homeless shelters. As time went on the pain eased ever so slowly as I became a permanent part of the homeless world. I learned to move forward into the FUTURE which was all that I could control. I didn't want to look over my shoulder at the damaged goods like the horror of my first soup kitchen, not knowing what lay ahead. Or the times I was bashed and threatened by very dangerous out of control drug addicts and alcoholics. Or seeing the bodies of those who couldn't take it anymore. Or the sound of silence as I realised my homeless dilemma. Or the feel of death during the cyclone. Or..... well there were many, many fearful moments over more than five years. The memories were not times to look back on. The fear was only a peek over my shoulder away. I had to keep going......
So get over it? Nup. Uh Uh. That's unfair. Sometimes the hurt will live with us forever. Scars are scars. A blemish on purity.
What then?
......USE THE HURT......
Don't surrender. Just REMEMBER.....
When I first became homeless I was lost. Very. My new world was unfamiliar. And dangerous. The fear was deep set within me. The beginning of the pain is always the worst. As I became more familiar and worked out 'the system' I sought help through books and meditation, prayer and other community support, such as the solace of the wonderful voluntary workers at homeless shelters. As time went on the pain eased ever so slowly as I became a permanent part of the homeless world. I learned to move forward into the FUTURE which was all that I could control. I didn't want to look over my shoulder at the damaged goods like the horror of my first soup kitchen, not knowing what lay ahead. Or the times I was bashed and threatened by very dangerous out of control drug addicts and alcoholics. Or seeing the bodies of those who couldn't take it anymore. Or the sound of silence as I realised my homeless dilemma. Or the feel of death during the cyclone. Or..... well there were many, many fearful moments over more than five years. The memories were not times to look back on. The fear was only a peek over my shoulder away. I had to keep going......
Remembering over her shoulder? But then things began to change. I gave myself over to the FUTURE. I started to BELIEVE that I had a FUTURE. And so I kept moving forward a STEP at a time into that FUTURE. I gave no thought to the way I was living. Each day bought new challenges. No looking back. I learned NOT to confront the demons of my PAST so I just didn't look behind. I started to write. Synchronicity was teaching me new tricks, giving me a path to follow, consolidating my BELIEF in myself. But I continued to gain knowledge through books and meditation. One of the startling revelations I found was that I should confront my demons of the past. But not only confront the horrific times but THINK INTO THEM. REMEMBER THEM. Remember how I was sick with fear, and I mean sick. Remember how embarrassed I was. How reclusive I had become. What would people think? Remember every sickening moment that embedded itself in my MIND. Remember every little detail of the causes that inflicted the pain.
My Journey continues. I confront those bad times quite often. I don't like to confront those demons but the very THOUGHT of how I felt during those times....... A greater source of strength ..... no, hold on. A greater source of POWER you will not find. I am no longer scared to look over my shoulder into my past. I can do it. And when I do I can SMILE because I know that my new ME, my Upper Case ME wants me to move into my FUTURE with certainty by REMEMBERING ME........
My Journey continues. I confront those bad times quite often. I don't like to confront those demons but the very THOUGHT of how I felt during those times....... A greater source of strength ..... no, hold on. A greater source of POWER you will not find. I am no longer scared to look over my shoulder into my past. I can do it. And when I do I can SMILE because I know that my new ME, my Upper Case ME wants me to move into my FUTURE with certainty by REMEMBERING ME........
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